The scientific name of humans is Homo sapiens. Carl Linnaeus in 1758 had coined this taxonomic term. ‘Homo‘ means ‘man‘ and ‘sapiens‘ mean ‘wise‘. In other words, Homo sapiens is Latin for wise man. Wise man? O RLY? Fuggedaboutit. Humans may have been wise once, but many aren’t wise now. Many of us are dumber than a box of rocks, especially the viewers of Indian news television channels.

Indian television programming has always been substandard. Remember the state-owned Boredarshan. Yes, it still operates and produces substandard television shows. It survives on tax payers’ dole and thus has no incentive to improve its programming. On its own, it would have perished a long time ago. Then you have the paid TV and their vomit inducing prime time family dramas where cake faces performance artists wearing gaudy costumes and Brummagem jewelries strut like peacocks. The dramas are crass, boring as hell, and have a thin storyline with garrulous dialogues. What a load of crap those shows are. It is better to watch paint dry than watch prime time shows on Indian television.

What passes off as entertainment and news in India is nothing but dog turd. And, as they say, you can’t polish a turd. Well, even if you could it will still remain a turd. Yet, a large majority of the viewers will lap up whatever crap the various television channels hurl at them. The people believe in the sh*t they watch on TV. The people of this nation relish overdramatized love stories, prime time dramas based on squabbling, conniving and backstabbing family members, and, of course, fake news. They love their race based jokes, sexist innuendos, covert jibes at people with disabilities and misogynistic humor. They fawn over overrated cine stars and start rioting when their favorite matinée idol croaks.

The worst culprits in this mix are the Indian news television channels. They have single-handedly destroyed the critical thinking ability of many of my gullible countrymen. The naive viewers of those channels adore the news anchors who act like enraged apes on live TV. Debates on news channels devolve into a shouting match with participants behaving like primates hurling poo at each other. ’tis a sight to behold.

The hosts of these news programs spout bullsh*t and the credulous suckers who watch them guzzle the propaganda served as if it were heaven-served gospel truth. The channels fall into two camps, depending on their political affiliation and leaning. Leaning right are channels such as Crapublic TV, Pantomimes Now, Pee News, Dandiya TV, Kal Tak, A Bidi Pee News. Leaning left are Bhindi TV and Crappy News Network. Then you have a few small players, just feeding on the TRP (Target Rating Points/Television Rating Points) crumbs left behind by the big dogs.

Now, if you are a thinking person, you will realize that we no longer have an independent media in this country. The Indian news television channels are completely under the thumb of various political parties and their cohorts. The contents they produce forward their owners’ agenda. The channels indulge in providing biased and fake news to their viewers. Most of the fourth estate has become a cesspool of paid propagandists. And, we Indians have been the biggest losers in all this. Such a shame!

So, who are these people who have sold their soul to the highest bidder and have no qualms about acting like raving lunatics on live TV? After knocking my head on the wall for all these years, wondering how humans can act like deranged apes on TV, I finally got my answer a few days back. A seminal study conducted by a team of world’s topmost scientists and evolutionists have come to the conclusion that these flyblown creatures on Indian news television channels are a new species of humans. The scientists reached this very important conclusion after carefully analyzing years of video data of Indian news television channels. The results of the landmark study was recently published in the well-known scientific journal called Anachronistic Process of Evolution (APE).

In their carefully researched paper, the scientists put forth the hypothesis that sometime during the Fart’hien era of Indian news television development, a sudden, but yet to be identified, biological change led to the evolution of a new species of humans. After carefully observing their behavior, the scientists and evolutionists decided to name the new species of humans as Homo bloviatus. Interestingly, Homo bloviatus has four subspecies. They are:

1. Homo bloviatus screamingities,

2. Homo bloviatus sycophanciphellatiopethicus

3. Homo bloviatus eimakeshitupitis,

4. Homo bloviatus ignoramus

Homo bloviatus

Addressing a press conference, recently, the team led by Parsyapal Sing and Marsh Cardhan made the observation that Homo bloviatus and its subspecies seem to be direct descendants of our cousin apes. They used hours and hours of news clips to prove their point. Homo bloviatus does things that are partly ape-like and partly human-like. Homo bloviatus are pompous, boastful, and inflated in their mannerisms and they speak windily. When Homo bloviatus gets really aggravated, they jump around and shoulder-charge people and objects. When pushed against the wall, they may gang up against you and maul you to death. It has been also noticed that, when distressed, peeved, or aggrieved, they may hurl fecal matter at you. So, watch out for poo heading your way, if you irritate a Homo bloviatus.

During their interaction with the press, the scientists also showed multiple detailed footage of Ahab Goblowme from Crapublic TV to further explain the behavior of Homo bloviatus. Ahab Goblowme was boastful and pompous and did indeed display behavioral characteristics that are partly ape-like and partly human-like. The only thing he did not do was hurl feces at the participants of the show, when they dared to disagree with him. It was the scientists’ opinion that it was just a matter of time before Goblowme starts to hurls feces on live TV. So, all his fans have to be a little patient to see Ahab Goblowme go all poo’ey on them.

Homo bloviatus screamingities

To demonstrate the behavior of Homo bloviatus screamingities, the scientists used examples of Trishna Loumar from Crapublic TV, and Premika Parmar and Mehul Applepolisher from Pantomimes Now. Homo bloviatus screamingities, as the name suggests, screams like a banshee while reading from the teleprompter, interviewing people or putting forth their arguments. It seems that they have lost the ability to speak in a normal voice. Must be devolution, I mean evolution.

When agitated, Homo bloviatus screamingities starts beating their chest or thumping the ground, just like the Silverback gorillas found in the mountains of Sub-Saharan Africa. In addition, the experts observed that Homo bloviatus screamingities are a threat to their family and community. Their screeching voice, the constant screaming and their rhetorical hyperbole may cause a fight or flight response in normal humans and other members of their subspecies. Hence, this may hamper their courtship rituals, which, in turn, may adversely affect their sex lives.

Homo bloviatus sycophanciphellatiopethicus

The news anchors from the subspecies Homo bloviatus sycophanciphellatiopethicus display extreme obsequiousness towards their owners. In other word, they are the apple polishers. They are the brown-nosers of the news world. They have no self-respect, no self-esteem and will do anything to please their political masters, even fellate them. For e.g., the bootlickers of this subspecies may produce news reports on why the home minister of a state has long flowing hair, or how may pigs the tourism minister has in his pigsty.

Bending over backwards to accommodate all of their masters’ request is how Homo bloviatus sycophanciphellatiopethicus live and operate. They may also wax eloquent about how a particular political party is a threat to our country and how our country’s interest may be best served by the specific party which may or may not be in power. It should be noted though that customers can purchase the allegiance of Homo bloviatus sycophanciphellatiopethicus for a price. So, they may change their color tomorrow, provided another political party is able to meet and beat the price at which the members of the subspecies are willing to sell their soul.

Homo bloviatus eimakeshitupitis

Homo bloviatus eimakeshitupitis display behavioral characteristics that closely resemble their name. They either just make shi*t up on the fly, or they make observations that are totally ignorant and belies belief. As an example, watch this video to learn how their knowledge or the lack thereof doesn’t stop them from spouting bullsh*t with total confidence.

Do you hear the conviction and the giddiness in Homo bloviatus eimakeshitupitis’ voice? Yes, that’s her mouthing off nonsense before ascertaining all the facts; in other words, sharing fake news with her audience. They just make things up out of the thin air and hope they stick. That’s their forte. That’s their skill, which very few humans can match.

Homo bloviatus ignoramus

Homo bloviatus ignoramus will latch onto anything sensational, albeit fake, and give it the importance it doesn’t deserve. Fake news and parody tweets will be debated on their channel. For e.g., they may fall for a parody tweet about a religious figure being offended by a music video, and then go into an epic rant about it on their show. They will do it willingly, but feign ignorance. When people will point out their mistake, they will gently dodge the question and use fallacious arguments to shout their opponents down. They will not have a brain fart on live TV; they will actually have a brain diarrhea.

Homo bloviatus ignoramus will demonstrate outright ignorance on various subject matter by merging facts with fiction and serving that concoction to the masses for easy consumption. And the gullible masses watching the boob tube will swallow whatever propaganda Homo bloviatus ignoramus hurls at them hook, line and sinker.

Ape to man to ape

In their concluding remarks, the scientists observed that the million dollar question posed by the creationists to the evolutionists has been answered. The new species of humans are a direct descendant of our cousin ape. Hopefully, this will silence those who had questioned Darwin’s theory, by stating that nobody has seen an ape evolve into a man. Now, we have, and that too on live TV.  Beat that, creationists. Show us God on live TV. Not the fake ones, you dummkopf, but the real one. The one sitting up there and judging our deeds 24×7. You can’t, can you? Science wins! Now, shut your yapper!

Furthermore, in many instances, we may have seen humans evolve into apes on live TV. Therefore, it seems, a rare process of reverse evolution might be underway, and we might all be headed to being cave dwellers again. That wouldn’t be a bad thing, though, considering what the supposedly “wise men” have become.