I love politicians; they are the bestest, awesomest, wonderful-erest dude, dudettes and duderinos you can find anywhere on this planet. Heck, you wouldn’t find such fine people in this whole universe or twini-verse, tripni-verse or quadrini-verse; and that’s a lot of ‘verse’, right there. Basically, they are the supermen/superwomen of this planet. I look up to them, try to emulate them and live my life to their exacting standards. The sacrifices they make for the good of the humanity, their humble existence, subsistence living and the integrity they display in their public life are exemplary and should be followed by all.

It is a shame that normal, average human beings, the plebes, the sheeples, the slaves, the drones don’t hold them in high regard, don’t give them the respect they deserve, kiss their feet everyday or genuflect at the altar of their greatness. If I had the power, I’d send all these disrespecting individuals to the gulags for committing such sacrilegious acts.

I, however, practice what I preach, worship at the altar of all politicians and have dedicated my life to furthering their cause. I am such a huge fan, admirer, devotee and buff of politicians that I thought of publishing this FAQ, so that the stupid, ignorant mortals can better understand our friendly neigh-borhood politicians, charitable masters, benevolent overlords, and good-hearted dealers. Hopefully, you will find this FAQ helpful in expanding your knowledge of this elite group of people. Please pass this forward to all who might benefit from this dissertation.

“We are your overlords. First, vote us in; then, bend over.” Image source: Saddahaq

FAQs:

Q 1. How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

— Politicians cannot screw in a light bulb because they are busying screwing people.

Q 2. How many politicians does it take to milk a cow?

— Politicians don’t milk cows, they just milk the system.

Q 3. What do you call 200 politicians at the bottom of a lake?

— An anchor.

Q 4. How many politicians does it take to drive a car?

— Are you kidding? Donkeys cannot drive cars.

Q 5. Why do burglars never rob politicians?

— One burglar never robs another.

Q 6. How do you fit a politician inside a refrigerator?

— Simple. Open the door, shove the politician in, close the door.

Q 7. How do you make a politician turn pink with envy?

— Squeeze his/her neck; with love, of course. Never display hatred towards anyone.

Q 8. How do you make a politician turn purple?

— Get real! Have you ever seen a purple politician?

Q 9. What’s the difference between a fly and a politician?

— A fly can fly, but a politician can’t politician.

Q 10. What’s the difference between an honest and a dishonest politician?

— Different sides of a same coin.

Q 11. How do politicians game the system for themselves?

— Step 1: Get elected by fooling the sheeple;

    Step 2: ????

    Step 3: Profit

Q 12. What’s the average IQ of politicians?

— IQ tests are designed to assess human intelligence only; not Donkeys’.

Q 13. Why did the politician cross the road?

— To suckle on the government teats.

Q 14. Why did the politician cross the road again?

— To double-cross the citizens.

Q 15. A politician walked into a bar…

— …and broke his neck. The end.

Q 16. Now, why did the politician walk into a bar?

— Because the donkey was absolutely barmy.

Q 17. Why are politicians worse than sex workers?

— Leave sex workers out of this. Sex workers make an honest living.

Q 18. What do politicians like to wear?

— Empty suits.

Q 19. Do politicians wear undergarment?

— Depend

Q 20. Why did the politician get off the bicycle?

— To get on the gravy train.

Q 21. Are politicians a thinking entity?

— Yes, because they believe in, “I scam; therefore, I am.”

Q 22. Are politicians relevant?

— Only thing that can beat their irrelevance is their incompetence.

Q 23. How do you know that a politician is lying?

— Because (s)he is not sitting up.

Q 24. Why are most politicians lawyers?

— Both speak with a forked tongue.

Q 25. How are politicians like Indian pariah dogs?

— They aren’t. Indian pariah dogs are very loyal.

Q 26. Why did a politician win a Nobel peace prize?

— Because they do not have a Nobel ‘bomb-the-s***-out-of-brown-people‘ prize.

Q 27. What do you call a fat politician?

— A pig.

Q 28. What do you call a skinny politician?

— A skinny pig.

Q 29. Knock! Knock!

— Who’s there?

    Politician Stepp?

    Politician Stepp who?

    Politician stepping on your liberties and freedom

Q 30. Do politicians go to the heaven or hell?

— Yes.

Q 31. What’s the first step to becoming a politician?

— Selling your soul.

Q 32. Why did the politician pull over?

— Because he didn’t have a blazer.

Q 33. What kind of army would a politician lead?

— The free shit army.

Q 34. What is a politician’s medicine of choice?

— Lieagra.

Q 35. Why are politicians always innocent of all wrong doings?

— Because they cannot be innopaise, innodime, innopence or innoshilling.

Q 36. 2000 politicians are on a sinking ship, who gets saved?

— The country.

Q 38. What’s more mythical than a Unicorn?

— An honest politician.

Q 39. Why do politicians prefer garbanzo bean to  chickpea?

— Because he does not have to pay to have a garbanzo bean on his face.

Q 40. Why do politicians hate peanuts?

— Because they think eating peanuts would make them pea nuts.

Q 41. How do you offer any advice to politicians?

— Are you pea-ing nuts? It would be just casting pearls before swine.